What is this about?
Alright. This one is going to be pure fun. Hello!
Time machine: Large
Home base: Eh. Let's ignore this one, actually.
Equipment: Universal translator, gold, infinite wardrobe, two sets of futuristic armor
Mission: Magical Nazis
Companions: Socrates, H. P. Lovecraft, Jesus, Laika, Helen Keller
Well! This certainly became loads more feasible of a story than I expected. At least, I would read this thing.
So what's gone on? Well, obviously, magical Nazis. That's what's gone on. Oh, and the protagonist has been displaced by zir home time. Now ze's crossing all time and space with a few special companions. Their time machine is a few stories tall. You know, pretty big. They live in it.
And they travel across time and space in their not-a-house to fight magical Nazis that are trying to break history apart.
Socrates is an absolutely fantastic person to have aboard. Most people only remember him for his intelligence, but back in the day he was famous for his exploits in war, too. Socrates comes from a society where all the men fought, and he lived to old age.
You don't mess with Mr. -tes, is what I'm saying.
I'm going to rule that Laika has been given human intelligence. Somehow. And is a diehard Communist, of course. For the Motherland! This Nazi business is personal, mate.
The CYOA states that "like all blind people, Helen has the potential to become a formidable martial artist and sword fighter." This will be a lot of help in a temporal war against magical Nazis.
And then we've got Lovecraft and Jesus. Obvious choices, really.
I... don't know what more to say about this. Just got to say again, I would totally read this.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, November 7, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Idea: Once a Slavetrader, Always a Santa Claus
Cast your thoughts back to the last ice age, for it is then that our tale begins.
Fairieland, you see, is a very cold place, a veritable winter wasteland. Its inhabitants don’t deal very well with heat. It is for this reason that the Good People aren’t so common in modern times, but back in the bad old days they flitted in and out of their Grand Doors to our world (and to many other worlds as well, but for those we humans neither had nor have no concern).
Fairieland, you see, is a very cold place, a veritable winter wasteland. Its inhabitants don’t deal very well with heat. It is for this reason that the Good People aren’t so common in modern times, but back in the bad old days they flitted in and out of their Grand Doors to our world (and to many other worlds as well, but for those we humans neither had nor have no concern).
Monday, April 14, 2014
Poetry: The Call of Doggerel
Three poems: One kind of serious, two... not so much. Or at all.
Desending Diamante
Howard
Herestrious remergent
Sickening slipping murmuring
Aware hateful awful co-extensive
Sleeping rumbling searching
Monadic wakeful
Azathoth
Cthulhu Clerihew
Cthulhu
Lives beneath the ocean blue
Having nought to eat but fish and stuff
(R'lyehan prison life is rough).
Nyarlathotep Clerihew
Nyarlathotep
Does quite an awful two-step.
To a business suit and life he soon conforms,
Each day filing one thousand and one forms.
Desending Diamante
Howard
Herestrious remergent
Sickening slipping murmuring
Aware hateful awful co-extensive
Sleeping rumbling searching
Monadic wakeful
Azathoth
Cthulhu Clerihew
Cthulhu
Lives beneath the ocean blue
Having nought to eat but fish and stuff
(R'lyehan prison life is rough).
Nyarlathotep Clerihew
Nyarlathotep
Does quite an awful two-step.
To a business suit and life he soon conforms,
Each day filing one thousand and one forms.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Genre Splash #5: The Polish Wasp Conspiracy [B]
Continued from Wednesday.
The boginki require hosts for their eggs. They possess a venom that paralyzes in small doses and causes cellular breakdown in larger doses, and they use it for its former effect after choosing a target. Captured and paralyzed, the boginka's victim is helpless to resist as dozens of eggs are implanted deep in the flesh. They will nourish themselves on their host, who will be sustained as the adult boginka regularly injects them with a nutrient slurry. The larvae that are the earliest to rouse themselves (and are the most fit) will make their way to the brain, which they will consume and... replace. They merge with (or devour, depending on how you look at it) each other and plug into the nervous system, between these two actions drastically increasing their intelligence. Very soon, they will begin secreting a counter to the venom in their host and be able to secure food on their own.
The boginki require hosts for their eggs. They possess a venom that paralyzes in small doses and causes cellular breakdown in larger doses, and they use it for its former effect after choosing a target. Captured and paralyzed, the boginka's victim is helpless to resist as dozens of eggs are implanted deep in the flesh. They will nourish themselves on their host, who will be sustained as the adult boginka regularly injects them with a nutrient slurry. The larvae that are the earliest to rouse themselves (and are the most fit) will make their way to the brain, which they will consume and... replace. They merge with (or devour, depending on how you look at it) each other and plug into the nervous system, between these two actions drastically increasing their intelligence. Very soon, they will begin secreting a counter to the venom in their host and be able to secure food on their own.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Fiction: Bubblegum Peculiarity
This story at Fictionpress.
Also included this week:
A Story Across Years: Chapter five. "Tradition, of course. I wonder when it started."
Secret Life: Chapter nine. Sci-fi horror. "He is afraid. Afraid that he knows why he is here."
Bubblegum Peculiarity
Was it a peculiar home? A peculiar family? Oh, indeed.
"If you continue to fight me about your vegetables then I can assure you that you won't be happy."
But some things are part of every family, no matter how peculiar.
Miss Taylor could hear the mother from the other side of the door. And the girl responded. Too quietly for Miss Taylor to make out the words, but the tone that she used conveyed the impression that she wasn't worried.
That was good. That was very good.
Miss Taylor knocked on the door.
It meant that she probably wasn't afraid of her mother.
"Elizabeth Taylor," she announced as soon as the door opened- which was very, very quickly. Miss Taylor held up her identification. "Child Protective Services."
Miss Taylor hoped that this would be a false alarm. But the problem that had been brought to their attention had nothing to do with whether or not the woman was doing anything that might make her daughter afraid of her.
Still, it didn't seem that the woman was afraid of CPS. That was either a sign that everything was alright or... or that she was such an unfit parent that she couldn't even begin to conceive of what she might have done wrong. Which would mean that they probably wouldn't be able to get her to fix the situation.
The apartment that Miss Taylor walked into was a modest one. There was a kitchen but the living room was doubling as the dining room. The girl- Nancy, according to their reports- was eating dinner on a TV folding tray. The woman... did not appear to be eating dinner.
"Not hungry?" Miss Taylor asked.
The woman laughed. "Oh no. I'll be eating later. I have a very restrictive diet."
Nancy appeared to be nine. Her mother couldn't have been older than twenty-five, and that was pushing it. At most, she couldn't have been older than sixteen when she had given birth to Nancy.
"I apologize," the woman suddenly said. "I'm Autumn Frase." She shook Miss Taylor's hand energetically, then gestured for Miss Taylor to take a seat beside Nancy.
The couch was leather. Probably older than Nancy.
There didn't seem to be more than two people living here, just as the report said- Hell, there seemed in some ways to be only one person living here.
Which, actually, gave weight to the unfortunate side of the report.
But definitely no father in the home. That was something that she could confirm right away.
Autumn pulled up a seat in front of the two of them. She sat with grace, and gave a stern look at her daughter. "Green beans. You. Now." Something peculiar came into her eyes. "Or you won't grow up to be like me."
Whatever was behind those words- and there had to be something- it got Nancy to resume eating.
"I'm sure that you didn't come here to make a social call," Autumn said, "social worker though you may be. If you'll forgive the pun." She paused just long enough for the silence to become awkward and for Miss Taylor to wonder if perhaps she was expected to respond. But as soon as she opened her mouth to do so, Autumn went on. "So if you'll get down to the business of, well, your business..."
"To cut to the chase, we've gotten reports that your daughter has been left at home alone."
"Well, that happens here and there, doesn't it?" Autumn replied.
"Not for days on end, it shouldn't. And not repeatedly." Miss Taylor smiled, and hoped that it reached up to her eyes. "But I'm sure that we can get to the bottom of this and discover that it was all just a big, big misunderstanding." She hoped. She couldn't figure out why she was in this line of work sometimes. Always hoping so desperately that she was wrong. Sometimes it was so, and she stressed for nothing. Sometimes it wasn't so, and the stress was added to by horror.
Autumn practically stared into her soul, her gaze was so intent. Beside her, Miss Taylor noticed, Nancy had stopped eating again.
Not out of curiosity- no, it was out of curiosity. But not only. There was stress there as well. Who the fear was for, or exactly what part of this meeting was triggering it, Miss Taylor couldn't determine, but it was there. That had the potential to not be good- or to be very good, because day-to-day life was always so peaceful that she was hypersensitive to stress. With as little as she had to go by right now, Miss Taylor thought that it was a very good toss-up.
Miss Taylor supposed that she ought to say something, but then Nancy spoke up. Miss Taylor wondered if perhaps she had caught some sort of... some sort of glance shared between the two before Nancy had spoken, but then Nancy repeated herself and continued talking. "It's late. I know because my mom is up and she gets up really late. Also, the clock says that it's five past seven. So."
"So?" Miss Taylor repeated.
"So we're your last people!" Her eyes lit up. "We can make hot chocolate! Can't we mama?" she asked. Nancy looked at her mother with imploring eyes.
"Well, I suppose that that depends on Elizabeth," Autumn said. "I can call you Elizabeth, can't I?"
This was confusing. Everything was confusing. Where had this come from? "Sure." Really. She couldn't remember the last time that a family had asked her to drink hot chocolate with them. Probably because there had never been such a time before now.
"Well then." Autumn grinned. "Do you have to return to the office at the end of the day or do you normally go home?"
"I can go straight home if I have to, but I don't see what-"
"But will they miss you?" Nancy asked, adopting a pouting expression. "That is, will they expect you to come to the office, and be worried if you don't?"
Miss Taylor also couldn't remember the last time that a nine-year-old child had prefaced a clarifying statement with the words "That is." For much the same reason as her other recent failure at recollection. "No, I suppose not. Why?"
"It makes things easier," Autumn said. "I don't have to wear your skin and mimic your voice for a few hours in order for everyone to see you end your day as normal."
If that wasn't the strangest thing that Miss Taylor had ever heard- and she had heard no fewer than three very strange things in the past two minutes- then she was going to give up trying to understand anything at all in the world.
Before she could think about it any further, though, Autumn moved. And there was only the barest fraction of a second for the words "People don't move that fast" to flash through her mind before her neck was snapped and she stopped being surprised forever.
Autumn looked the woman over. "It isn't often that dinner comes to me, Nancy. Might be the last time I get to eat before we have to move. They'll start looking for her soon." She turned to her daughter. "You need to mind yourself better. There was a moment when you didn't sound like a normal nine-year-old."
"What would you know about normal nine-year-olds, mama?" Nancy retorted. "You haven't been one since forever."
"1750 is hardly 'forever,'" Autumn replied. "And being old doesn't make me blind." She chuckled. "Actually, for our kind, it makes me less blind."
"Your kind," Nancy muttered. She turned away.
"Oh, Nancy. Nancy," Autumn said, and she gently nudged Nancy's chin so as to make her daughter look into her eyes. "You just haven't grown into your wings, dear. You'll be fit for immortality yet."
"Y-you sure?"
"Of course." Autumn stood. She picked up the social worker's body and began to take it into the back. "And don't forget to eat your vegetables. That's important while you're still human."
"But mama..."
FIN
Notes for this story.
Also included this week:
A Story Across Years: Chapter five. "Tradition, of course. I wonder when it started."
Secret Life: Chapter nine. Sci-fi horror. "He is afraid. Afraid that he knows why he is here."
Bubblegum Peculiarity
Was it a peculiar home? A peculiar family? Oh, indeed.
"If you continue to fight me about your vegetables then I can assure you that you won't be happy."
But some things are part of every family, no matter how peculiar.
Miss Taylor could hear the mother from the other side of the door. And the girl responded. Too quietly for Miss Taylor to make out the words, but the tone that she used conveyed the impression that she wasn't worried.
That was good. That was very good.
Miss Taylor knocked on the door.
It meant that she probably wasn't afraid of her mother.
"Elizabeth Taylor," she announced as soon as the door opened- which was very, very quickly. Miss Taylor held up her identification. "Child Protective Services."
Miss Taylor hoped that this would be a false alarm. But the problem that had been brought to their attention had nothing to do with whether or not the woman was doing anything that might make her daughter afraid of her.
Still, it didn't seem that the woman was afraid of CPS. That was either a sign that everything was alright or... or that she was such an unfit parent that she couldn't even begin to conceive of what she might have done wrong. Which would mean that they probably wouldn't be able to get her to fix the situation.
The apartment that Miss Taylor walked into was a modest one. There was a kitchen but the living room was doubling as the dining room. The girl- Nancy, according to their reports- was eating dinner on a TV folding tray. The woman... did not appear to be eating dinner.
"Not hungry?" Miss Taylor asked.
The woman laughed. "Oh no. I'll be eating later. I have a very restrictive diet."
Nancy appeared to be nine. Her mother couldn't have been older than twenty-five, and that was pushing it. At most, she couldn't have been older than sixteen when she had given birth to Nancy.
"I apologize," the woman suddenly said. "I'm Autumn Frase." She shook Miss Taylor's hand energetically, then gestured for Miss Taylor to take a seat beside Nancy.
The couch was leather. Probably older than Nancy.
There didn't seem to be more than two people living here, just as the report said- Hell, there seemed in some ways to be only one person living here.
Which, actually, gave weight to the unfortunate side of the report.
But definitely no father in the home. That was something that she could confirm right away.
Autumn pulled up a seat in front of the two of them. She sat with grace, and gave a stern look at her daughter. "Green beans. You. Now." Something peculiar came into her eyes. "Or you won't grow up to be like me."
Whatever was behind those words- and there had to be something- it got Nancy to resume eating.
"I'm sure that you didn't come here to make a social call," Autumn said, "social worker though you may be. If you'll forgive the pun." She paused just long enough for the silence to become awkward and for Miss Taylor to wonder if perhaps she was expected to respond. But as soon as she opened her mouth to do so, Autumn went on. "So if you'll get down to the business of, well, your business..."
"To cut to the chase, we've gotten reports that your daughter has been left at home alone."
"Well, that happens here and there, doesn't it?" Autumn replied.
"Not for days on end, it shouldn't. And not repeatedly." Miss Taylor smiled, and hoped that it reached up to her eyes. "But I'm sure that we can get to the bottom of this and discover that it was all just a big, big misunderstanding." She hoped. She couldn't figure out why she was in this line of work sometimes. Always hoping so desperately that she was wrong. Sometimes it was so, and she stressed for nothing. Sometimes it wasn't so, and the stress was added to by horror.
Autumn practically stared into her soul, her gaze was so intent. Beside her, Miss Taylor noticed, Nancy had stopped eating again.
Not out of curiosity- no, it was out of curiosity. But not only. There was stress there as well. Who the fear was for, or exactly what part of this meeting was triggering it, Miss Taylor couldn't determine, but it was there. That had the potential to not be good- or to be very good, because day-to-day life was always so peaceful that she was hypersensitive to stress. With as little as she had to go by right now, Miss Taylor thought that it was a very good toss-up.
Miss Taylor supposed that she ought to say something, but then Nancy spoke up. Miss Taylor wondered if perhaps she had caught some sort of... some sort of glance shared between the two before Nancy had spoken, but then Nancy repeated herself and continued talking. "It's late. I know because my mom is up and she gets up really late. Also, the clock says that it's five past seven. So."
"So?" Miss Taylor repeated.
"So we're your last people!" Her eyes lit up. "We can make hot chocolate! Can't we mama?" she asked. Nancy looked at her mother with imploring eyes.
"Well, I suppose that that depends on Elizabeth," Autumn said. "I can call you Elizabeth, can't I?"
This was confusing. Everything was confusing. Where had this come from? "Sure." Really. She couldn't remember the last time that a family had asked her to drink hot chocolate with them. Probably because there had never been such a time before now.
"Well then." Autumn grinned. "Do you have to return to the office at the end of the day or do you normally go home?"
"I can go straight home if I have to, but I don't see what-"
"But will they miss you?" Nancy asked, adopting a pouting expression. "That is, will they expect you to come to the office, and be worried if you don't?"
Miss Taylor also couldn't remember the last time that a nine-year-old child had prefaced a clarifying statement with the words "That is." For much the same reason as her other recent failure at recollection. "No, I suppose not. Why?"
"It makes things easier," Autumn said. "I don't have to wear your skin and mimic your voice for a few hours in order for everyone to see you end your day as normal."
If that wasn't the strangest thing that Miss Taylor had ever heard- and she had heard no fewer than three very strange things in the past two minutes- then she was going to give up trying to understand anything at all in the world.
Before she could think about it any further, though, Autumn moved. And there was only the barest fraction of a second for the words "People don't move that fast" to flash through her mind before her neck was snapped and she stopped being surprised forever.
Autumn looked the woman over. "It isn't often that dinner comes to me, Nancy. Might be the last time I get to eat before we have to move. They'll start looking for her soon." She turned to her daughter. "You need to mind yourself better. There was a moment when you didn't sound like a normal nine-year-old."
"What would you know about normal nine-year-olds, mama?" Nancy retorted. "You haven't been one since forever."
"1750 is hardly 'forever,'" Autumn replied. "And being old doesn't make me blind." She chuckled. "Actually, for our kind, it makes me less blind."
"Your kind," Nancy muttered. She turned away.
"Oh, Nancy. Nancy," Autumn said, and she gently nudged Nancy's chin so as to make her daughter look into her eyes. "You just haven't grown into your wings, dear. You'll be fit for immortality yet."
"Y-you sure?"
"Of course." Autumn stood. She picked up the social worker's body and began to take it into the back. "And don't forget to eat your vegetables. That's important while you're still human."
"But mama..."
FIN
Notes for this story.
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